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2003-08-22 . 10:55 p.m. . Looking Back Wow, it's been a long long time since I last wrote. If it weren't for my almost tri-weekly letters to Joe, I would worry that I may never again be able to recall the last four or so months of my life. So much has happened, too much to list, but it has been a surprisingly good four months. (I know it hasn't been that long since I wrote last, but the last entree didn't give much detail of the goings on around here.) Luke is a beautiful baby boy of 20 weeks and growing more and more everyday. He continues to be a joy to both Joe and I and we are so grateful that he came into our lives when he did. Joe mentioned in one of his last letters, that Luke has brought us closer than ever imaginable, even being 1000s of miles away from each other. Not only has Luke brought us closer, but this deployment has as well. Getting to know each other even better through letters has brought an entirely different aspect to our marriage. I have grown to love Joe more than I ever thought possible and I have grown to know how strong his love is for me. THAT, in itself, is huge for me. For some reason, I have a horrible fear of anyone who loves me, falling out of love with me at the drop of a hat. I'm not entirely sure where the insecurity stems from, but I hate it. It caused a little stress for Joe and I at the beginning of our marriage, but one thing I can say for sure about this deployment is that it has made me a stronger person. Joe's love for me is evident in his efforts to ease my mind of his safety and in his obvious desire to be with me throughout eternity. Maybe it's the seven letters I get a week or the content of those letters that has given me such a surity of it all, but whatever it is, I am grateful for it. Luke at 20 weeks old, is the size of "an average seven month old" and is still growing. He ways nearly 20 lbs. and is 26.25 inches long. The doctor is amazed with his strength and communication skills already. She says he should be an "early talker", which makes me proud. This, being a mother, I mean, is what I do and the doctor's appointments are like my job evaluation. I take what the doctors say to heart, because I have dedicated my entire life, for the last 20 weeks, to the growth, development and love of this little boy and what they say is a reflection of my work. I am proud and grateful for the wonderful little boy he is and the wonderful young man I know he will turn out to be. I never imagined loving him as much as I do. There is no way to describe the ache I feel when he's sad or the pride I felt when he rolled over or took his first bite of baby food.(Yup, he's already eating from a spoon; he HATES the bottle.) I know that our lives will never be the same and that things are only going to get better. I can't wait for Joe to be with me to enjoy watching Luke and all our future children grow and enrich our lives in ways I am sure we still don't know. I am so grateful to be a mom and would never change it for anything. I am so glad I have an amazing husband who loves and supports me and does so even from so far away. It is because of that love and support, that I am able to make it through everyday here, without him. He is my strength. Things are getting exciting at this point in our lives. Luke and I will be moving back to Colorado at the beginning of next month, to move into our brand new house. This time of being at the mercy of friends and family, has made me appreciate a home of my own. I am so so grateful for the love and support our families have shown us, but I NEED a home. LUKE needs a home, a room, a crib and a schedule. The poor boy has no idea where he will wake up next. I hope and pray that this experience has been a good one for him. I hope there is no lasting damage like fear of commitment or even the fear of change. I know that it has had it's effects on me, but I think I can make them all into good effects. I know I will never take our home for granted, or a stove, a washing machine, a dishwasher, a shower no one else has showered in, my own bathroom, getting my clothes from a dresser rather than a suitcase. You name it, I'm grateful for it!! I look forward to decorating our house and turning it into a home my husband can come home to in April and a home our children will feel safe and loved in. It will be exciting to cook things on a stove, instead of being creative with a skillet and a microwave. I am so excited to feel married and to feel like a family, although that won't happen entirely until Joe gets home. Things will never be completely perfect until he is there to share it with me. The last year has been filled with ups and downs, most of which, I am glad are over. I have grown so much and have become a different person. I am grateful for all of my experiences, but even more grateful for the ones that are yet to come.....The one I look forward to and dream about the most is, the day I get to tell my husband that I love him.....in person.
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