New . Old . Me . Notes . Design . Host

2003-06-15 . 10:05 p.m. . What have I done to deserve this..... I often find myself spending many minutes, once or twice I spent 60 of them, just staring at the beautiful little boy that I get to call my son. So often I let time just slip by as I wonder what it was that I did so right to deserve such a wonderful life. I get to think a lot about that in all of my time alone and I search back as far as my memory will let me and try and figure out the answer to this very puzzling question. I think about all of the stupid things I have done and the unkind things I have said and think that, quite possibly, it could have been a mistake. Maybe somewhere along the way, someone got me confused with someone who was perfect in every way. You would have to be, for it to be even a little fair that you were given such an amazing calling in life like that of "mother". It makes my heart melt to see that little boy smile and, even worse, to hear him laugh. When he looks at me like I am the most important person in the world, I think, "Is this real?" "Am I really this lucky?" If only I could tell him how much he means to me and let him know how empty our lives were without him and we didn't even realize it. I suppose that all I can do is love him the best way I know how, but yet I never knew I had this much love in me. He brings it out in me; something I never thought I could feel so strongly. It's a different sort of love that can not be explained. I thought I had a dose of it being almost a mother to the children I nannied, but that love doesn't come near the feelings I feel when I look at him or even just think of him. Sharing something so wonderful with Joe has made, what seemed a perfect love, even more perfect. Now I not only feel an undying love that I thought could never get stronger, grow more everyday, but I feel a sense of gratitude and appreciation to him for being a part of bringing such an amazing spirit into our lives. I hate to even think of how empty my life would be without the two most important men/boys in my life. I can't even remember what it was like not to have Luke around, nor do I even want to. My life is nearly perfect, all I ask for is that my best friend return home to me. When that day comes, I will never feel the need to complain about anything. I am a mother and THAT has made all the difference. << . >>